Staff Appraisals

How Does A Manager Appraise Staff Fairly & Effectively?



After eading all the pages of this outline, you should be able to:



There are many ways of measuring performance - some good, some not worth the paper they are written on, if paper is indeed used!

Every organisation operates an appraisal system whether it acknowledges it or not -

how does senior management choose someone to fill a position?
a quick appraisal is put into effect.
the resulting choice is not necessarily, nor even likely to be, the fairest nor the best.


Current Practice

Formal staff appraisal is not widespread in Australia - or where you live? - because of lack of time and knowledge.

Mostly conducted only when need arises.

NB use of psychometric questionnaires is now growing and there have been cases where they have been used to provide a reason for down sizing. Discussion in later notes.


Actual Employee Appraisals

from The Guardian, UK, Monday November 1, 1999

Have you got a progress review soon?

Here's hoping you do better than the following, taken from real employee evaluations. [?????]


Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this man to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This man has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee should go far the sooner he starts, the better.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
A room temperature IQ
Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
Fell out of his family tree.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.
This man has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense that light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

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